ONE DAY IT WILL ALL MAKE SENSE

This year got me on a very rocky start, leaving me with a lot of questions about who I am, what I am doing on this earth and yes, does God really exist and if He does, am I one of His least favourites or does He put on earphones whenever my prayer request comes through. Have you ever wanted something so bad that, when you think back to your prayers since you believed in God, that very thing is the most consistent you've ever prayed and believed for? So much so that your night prayer isn’t complete without including it? This was by far the only thing that could be the measure of my ability and competence. Then it didn’t happen... The highest form of disappointment is one in yourself because not only does it question your capabilities, it's a huge sign on the front door that you're a failure. The entrance of 2013 had a big welcoming for me, and unfortunately it wasn’t a good one.

All the things that happened in the first quarter of this year seemed to be a rerun of the occurrences that took place in 2008/09 only this time I didn’t lose my mind, literally. When you've worked so hard and diligently and at the end you're not rewarded, instead you're left with unanswered questions that have a potential to make you doubt His love for you. For the first time ever in my life, I blamed God for letting me down, for selling me a dream that He is almighty and can do anything, but He failed to step in on time; so much for being all-knowing. I blamed myself for believing in a fairytale that never seemed to have a happy ending. How could I have been so stupid? You see, once you get to this point in your life, no sermon or scripture can make you believe that all will finally make sense; the only thing that was will correct things is God Himself; and by that, I mean Him getting off the throne and knocking on my door to tell me how the heaven did I get here and which coordinates do I need to jump back on the right track.

I used to wake up in the morning and cry that I'm still alive, but I would’ve never killed myself, because the first question would be ‘where will I land’. I mean if you doubting God’s existence, how can you believe in heaven? Exactly... I just had to live out the day with no hope, no faith and no sleep. Sometimes, I look back at my childhood and my loath for God is equally matched by my appreciation for Him. That it took me to first to forgive Him before I could acknowledge Him. I'm in awe of how my life has been a kaleidoscope of pain and struggle, yet a smile still manages to carve itself out effortlessly. I’d always feel like I'm being punished for dreaming and wanting to pursue them. I have always been forthcoming about my relationship with God but uncertain about my total dependence on Him. I mean, all my life I had to have my back and protect myself so how could I suddenly hand over my life to a force that I couldn’t even see. I mean, it's more realistic to take the blame when things go wrong in your life, than to blame a perfect God who doesn’t make mistakes; like my friend says, a point of no judgement for those who shunned the good news.

Only in hindsight do I realize that is has been God who had my back all along and protected me from all the emotional rollercoaster that might have killed me. One day a very close friend of mine asked me a question that managed to open a tap of tears. She said “with a childhood like yours, how do you still maintain to love yourself?” all I could utter was that God loves me, that’s why I love myself, this makes up the part where I'm appreciative of the presence of God in my life. It also helps to thrive for my emotions to swing perfectly like a pendulum because some days I would let them spiral out of control and leave me so drained. I continue to have some hope that life will turn around and deal me fairly, that I won’t think people who say I should be patient are selfish because they assume that I haven’t been walking in that virtue long enough to be tired of it. Luckily enough, I have not arrived at the turning point in the development of my psyche which would allow me to give up without a fight.

NOTE TO MY YOUNGER SELF...Know your worth

I'm not even going to try and sound eloquent on this one; I am speaking straight from my heart to these pages. Over the past weeks I have been having conversations with different people I come across and I am learning a lot from them, so much so that I would like to share with you. First I want to talk to you about self-worth. I am learning that it's always the little, subliminal things that turn into big issues, which will later affect your relationships. Every time you question why you were chosen and why not other girls, you're robbing yourself of the moment. A guy can love you and show you he does, but there’s only so much security he can give you. The rest is up to you. Don’t burden someone with the weight of your insecurities.

 Always try to know and find out what makes you YOU. There’s always going to be someone smarter than you, more beautiful than you and more liked than you, but there’ll never be someone like you. Once you get that into your head, you will avoid the mess of trying to be someone else and desiring what they have. Again, never ever date a guy who has self-esteem issues. They will always make you feel bad for pursuing your dreams, because, for them, it will always be a constant reminder that they have failed in theirs. Never ignore that hunch; it will shield you from fatal grounds. Always remember this, uneasiness has to do with the heart and not the mind; you don’t have to explain why you feel uneasy about a guy; the minute you feel that, leave. I'm realizing this; there are people who have mastered the art of what makes women tick so much so that they no longer operate on their feelings to please you, but use experience. If you are in tune with yourself, you’ll quickly establish those who are real.

Once in a while, you will get someone who’ll raise the bar on how better you can be treated. From then on, never settle. Your heart will respond to how you're treated. You have preserved yourself so much to demand being the only one and there is someone who is willing to treat you like the only one. (If you can’t find him, look into the friendzone).  Don’t forget to be happy and find peace with all that you do. Fool around and catch feelings, these things happen. Treat yourself the way you want to be treated and remember there is a difference between standards and preferences. Don’t be unrealistic!  When it's love, you’ll know...

IN MY PERFECT WORLD...

It's peaceful and serene and I get lost in my own highs that remain uninterrupted by a world that is tainted by evil, that its children are cursed for even dreaming. I never cease to speak all positivity aloud because I know that life might be listening. In my perfect world, the road that leads to heaven smells like new books which have suitable fonts that will have you still reading at 00: 23 when your eyes have partly given in. That reek will have you skip the foreword because you're eager to get to the part where the title of the book will finally make sense. In my perfect world, love tastes like ice-cream and when someone asks me if I believe in magic, I’ll take out a tub, put 2 spoons in it and have them find out for themselves that magic is the taste that finds its way to their mouth. In my perfect world, I believe that my salvation is sealed with a contract that claims that when I get to heaven, I will have as much of ice-cream as my soul can possibly have.

 In my perfect world, Maslow’s hierarchy is incomplete because it doesn’t acknowledge my need to be with you; how after self- actualisation my heart still fails to realize its longing. In my perfect world, I worship the 6^th day because on it, a miracle was created. You were made out of the best clay in the potter’s hand and you're so perfect in your imperfections that no part of you dares to question the hands that created you. You're all pleasure and no offence, excitement without fear and peace without worry. In my perfect world, the past and the future are unimportant because the present presents me with infinite joy that sets my heart at rest that today, the present is infallible. And I dream about you every night because my subconscious is clouded by my emotions of you. 

In my perfect world, my infatuation makes me believe that I have the ability to create myself into my lover’s desire; that they will wake up and breathe me into their morning and drink me as their first cup of the day. I'm forthcoming about being inlove with you, my lover, even though there’s an uncertainty about where this is going to take me. When you think of me, your heart will beat faster and make sounds as loud as rain touching mkhukhu wako next door. And when you say you love me, I'm going to put my ear on your chest so I can finally hear what love sound like.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...Sticks and bones may break me, but in my perfect world, books and ice-cream make me and the Love completes me.

 

GOD LOVES EQUALLY... EVEN HOMOSEXUALS

-->

I'm writing this with the awareness that I might appear ignorant or spiritually insensible, but please allow me to address the issue of homophobia. I have always been surrounded by homosexuals as my sister is quite fond of them. I never prejudiced them in terms of their sexual orientations. For me, they are ordinary people who find a different and obviously over-the-top way of expressing themselves. It never occurred to me that who they are is regarded as an insult to the religious society, until I moved to Pentecostal churches. I found myself in the circle of people who host a chain of prayers and one of the prayer items declared the issue of homosexuality and how we should pray for them to change their ways. It always bothered me that God’s fan-club had double standards regarding who needs to change their ways and who must remain. I was bothered that how come we never focus on other sins but we emphasize others. However, I never was open about it because it was an issue that was never close to home. Until, my very closest cousin became open about being gay.

This is someone who I’ve always been close to; we grew up together, although I was fairly older than him. He has been around me for 19 years. He goes to church with me and we sit under the same sermons that sometimes make him question his entire existence. I remember there was a sermon I sat under (in another church) and the preacher spoke how God hates homosexuality. That sermon alone proves how, as a people, misconstrue the very essence of who God is. I ask myself, how can God hate homosexuals but claim to love His people. I cannot even begin to explain the poignancy I feel toward this whole notion. Like I said, I might be unaware about how God feels on this issue but I am fully aware of God’s love that is so unconventional to give His son to die for EVERYONE.

One day I was walking with a guy from church and we passed a group of gays. He changed lanes and moved to the other side as to avoid contact with them. I addressed him and told him I don’t get the point of him calling himself a Christian but he does dodgy things like that. The term Christian means being Christ-like and I ask myself what would Christ do? And if I'm doing the opposite of what He would do, then I'm misrepresenting Him. Our sanctimonious behaviour can get overwhelming at times, even for a sinner like me.

I finally write about this because last week I had a heart-to-heart conversation with my cousin about his lifestyle and choice of living. It was really the first time we spoke openly about his sexual orientation. At the end of the chat, he thanked me for ‘finally’ accepting who he is. I found that very saddening as I’ve never doubted him or expressed a sense of detachment. But then again, I never fully showed him that he still carries the same weight in my heart. I almost got caught between what religion claims to be demonic and what I'm presented with every day; a loving and young man who’s eager to grow in the Lord. If God hates homosexuals, then He contradicts Himself, because God is Love and Love does not hate. Where do sinners go if the church is filled with ‘holy’ people?

With all of that said, can I be excused from “God is out to get you” sermons as they leave me with melancholy and a strong sense of confusion. I will not subject myself to sit under a teaching that contradicts God. When I'm mature enough to comprehend homophobia, and continue to believe a God who claims to love me but hates my cousin, I will probably write a different story. Until then, allow me to embrace my cousin who continues to bring colour in my life and a breath of fresh air. * Drops mic and walks to every homosexual in the room to give them a kiss on the cheek*