ONE DAY IT WILL ALL MAKE SENSE

This year got me on a very rocky start, leaving me with a lot of questions about who I am, what I am doing on this earth and yes, does God really exist and if He does, am I one of His least favourites or does He put on earphones whenever my prayer request comes through. Have you ever wanted something so bad that, when you think back to your prayers since you believed in God, that very thing is the most consistent you've ever prayed and believed for? So much so that your night prayer isn’t complete without including it? This was by far the only thing that could be the measure of my ability and competence. Then it didn’t happen... The highest form of disappointment is one in yourself because not only does it question your capabilities, it's a huge sign on the front door that you're a failure. The entrance of 2013 had a big welcoming for me, and unfortunately it wasn’t a good one.

All the things that happened in the first quarter of this year seemed to be a rerun of the occurrences that took place in 2008/09 only this time I didn’t lose my mind, literally. When you've worked so hard and diligently and at the end you're not rewarded, instead you're left with unanswered questions that have a potential to make you doubt His love for you. For the first time ever in my life, I blamed God for letting me down, for selling me a dream that He is almighty and can do anything, but He failed to step in on time; so much for being all-knowing. I blamed myself for believing in a fairytale that never seemed to have a happy ending. How could I have been so stupid? You see, once you get to this point in your life, no sermon or scripture can make you believe that all will finally make sense; the only thing that was will correct things is God Himself; and by that, I mean Him getting off the throne and knocking on my door to tell me how the heaven did I get here and which coordinates do I need to jump back on the right track.

I used to wake up in the morning and cry that I'm still alive, but I would’ve never killed myself, because the first question would be ‘where will I land’. I mean if you doubting God’s existence, how can you believe in heaven? Exactly... I just had to live out the day with no hope, no faith and no sleep. Sometimes, I look back at my childhood and my loath for God is equally matched by my appreciation for Him. That it took me to first to forgive Him before I could acknowledge Him. I'm in awe of how my life has been a kaleidoscope of pain and struggle, yet a smile still manages to carve itself out effortlessly. I’d always feel like I'm being punished for dreaming and wanting to pursue them. I have always been forthcoming about my relationship with God but uncertain about my total dependence on Him. I mean, all my life I had to have my back and protect myself so how could I suddenly hand over my life to a force that I couldn’t even see. I mean, it's more realistic to take the blame when things go wrong in your life, than to blame a perfect God who doesn’t make mistakes; like my friend says, a point of no judgement for those who shunned the good news.

Only in hindsight do I realize that is has been God who had my back all along and protected me from all the emotional rollercoaster that might have killed me. One day a very close friend of mine asked me a question that managed to open a tap of tears. She said “with a childhood like yours, how do you still maintain to love yourself?” all I could utter was that God loves me, that’s why I love myself, this makes up the part where I'm appreciative of the presence of God in my life. It also helps to thrive for my emotions to swing perfectly like a pendulum because some days I would let them spiral out of control and leave me so drained. I continue to have some hope that life will turn around and deal me fairly, that I won’t think people who say I should be patient are selfish because they assume that I haven’t been walking in that virtue long enough to be tired of it. Luckily enough, I have not arrived at the turning point in the development of my psyche which would allow me to give up without a fight.