05.08.17 – A father and daughter meet for the first time...

A few weeks ago, I am sitting with Lerato at my house and she’s telling me about her father and her memories with him. I then look at her and tell here that I am ready to see my father…

Strange I should say ‘ready’ as if I didn’t spend my whole childhood making up faceless scenarios of my dad and I. I would imagine him coming to fetch me at school and being actively present in my life. When I was in grade 12, and all the financial odds were against me, I wrote him a letter to try and seek understanding, first, for his absence and second for his lack of pursuit of making contact with me. I still don’t know if the letter got to him or not. I finally ‘got over’ talking to my God about him and hoping to one day see him, that I resorted to settling in my heart that I would one day see him for the first time in his coffin. Until this past Saturday…

     If you know my family, you would know that they have some much resemblance between each other. Very tall, beautiful, long noses, full legs and clear with eyes – Me? I’m short, wide nosed and I have stoner’s eyes J - but I still blend in and look like the rest of them.

On Saturday, we drove to Potch in the early hours of the morning, to bury my mother’s cousin. I told my sister (Dineo) that the only reason I’m going to the funeral is so I can meet my father. Was I ready? Yes! I was ready to meet him alive. I was ready for him to see his first-born. I was ready to begin a new chapter of my life that has me calling someone my dad. I was ready to finally put a face to all my scenarios. A lot of people at the funeral last saw me when I was little and all they could say to me when they saw me was that I look like my father. It was annoying knowing that I’m the only person who’s never met him yet he was a few kilometers away from me. So when one of my mom’s cousins’ suggested we go see him, I jumped and walked to my car quickly. The drive there was so long and scary – what if I get there and he denies me (I have watched khumbulekhaya phela) what if I get there and I’m not met with the enthusiasm I yearn for? Anyway, there we went.

We get to his house and he is standing outside, waiting for us. I am the last one to get out of the car so I can try and read the mood. He is so bubbly and happy – my tears finally escape my eyes and I can’t wait to touch his face.

We meet each other with a very warm hug – me holding on to dear life in case this is a dream and I don’t want to come back to this side of reality. We both cry and he looks at me like someone he hasn’t seen in years but hoping they would, one day, set their eyes on them soon. My father, so handsome a man he is. He welcomes us inside in his house. I look around and I see pictures of him when he was young on the wall. I instantly see the resemblance – the stoner’s eyes, full lips and wide nose. I can even see where I get my larger than life personality – he is so funny and has a commanding presence. I am home.  I am at a place where reason and inclination are not at odds.

I can’t begin to describe how I’m feeling right now. Its like I have been swimming in one position and finally some help has come in to move me to the next tide. I am beside myself with joy. I feel like I am born again and this time, my birth has both mom and dad in it. I was probably angry with him when I was little but now I’m not. I am grateful to God to have finally met him and see the person whose seed I was created.

He looks at me and tells me his birthday present came early this year- his is on the 10^th August and mine on the 22^nd. What a gift.

While we are there, he tells us that they have a family gathering and we should go there. We get into the car and make our way to the family house. Never have I seen so many people look like me; from stature, to demeanor, to features. Wow, I’m finally not the shortest person in the room J

I am welcomed in and introduced to everyone who didn’t know about me – his sisters see my mom and instantly pick up who I am. Everyone starts crying and by this time I am red in the face – my head hurts and my social anxiety is starting to kick in. We eventually leave and I am ready to go home and reflect on this because the analyzer in me cannot fully comprehend this moment without rethinking it over and over again.

I can’t wait to create new memories with my father… here’s to new chapter…