Do You Have A Lisa In Your Life?

Have you watched Being Mary Jane yet? Its one of my favorite series and a lot of black women can totally relate to her story. There’s a bit of MJ in every one of us and everyday is a constant battle to fight the set status quo.

Why can’t we have it all…? A great career, good family, money, good relationships and awesome friends? That’s not too much to ask, surely!

MJ has a close friend called Lisa, who eventually commits suicide on season 3. Lisa is an accomplished Doctor who’s very pretty and lives in a beautiful house. But Lisa is the most unhappy person ever, she suffered from depression and as I have touched on it before, this illness steals your joy and make you feel inadequate and useless. Lisa is so envious of MJ’s life that she doesn’t see how well her life is. Do you have a friend like that? Well, I did.

Lisa goes as far as going after the man that MJ has always loved and in season 3 she dials MJ and includes her in the conversation she has with David, the guy MJ loves. She wants to hurt her friend so bad. This is how someone who is not content with their life will always come at you. They will try everything to make you feel like they do always and unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do to help them. I read an article about someone who said they sympathize with Lisa because they felt that she commited herself to their friendship and MJ didn’t. I disagree…While friendship is a 2-way street, you should never expect your friend to translate their love for you the way you do for them. We show love differently and service each other in a way we each know how. 

David might not have been the best partner for MJ but it wasn’t Lisa’s call to make. As friends, I am happy for you to share your opinion on my matter, but you need to afford me the opportunity to choose whether to go ahead with it or not. Don’t ever impose your rules of living on someone else.

About a month ago I was walking my friend, Dineo, home and we actually touched on the subject of happiness and the importance of being content with what you have right now. I appreciate her because she constantly reminds us of where we come from and the struggles we have been through because that makes us appreciate our accomplishments and the dreams we have. Happiness is an everyday job and you need to work towards being happy.  

Joe Budden once tweeted this “She don’t want your man. She wants your happiness… She just thinks he’s the source of it” – This is true in every sphere of life because people see you happy and think its because of a particular element but you make it a point to be happy inspite of everything going wrong in your life. Like I’ve said before, Those people whose lives seem to be smooth sailing and look like they don't encounter problems decide which part of their story they want to tell. Like a showreel, they edit out the worst moments, their problems, battles etc. So don’t ever look at someone’s life and be envious of it because you don’t know what they are choosing to hide.  You must also be weary of the advises you listen to because not everyone has your best interests at heart.

Be careful of that friend who will always reveal your secrets because ‘they can’t keep shut’. That person who will want to hurt you deliberately so they can feel good and think an apology with solve it. Protect your happiness because its costly.

Grief: My Journey To Healing...

A few days after his burial I began therapy. I’ve never believed in therapy because it never made sense how one heals by talking to someone and repeating the same thing over and over again.

I was at work when I  experienced my first panic attack and it was so difficult. It was more sad seeing my collegues helpless and not knowing what to do. I was traveling to Cape Town for work the next day and my boss got such a fright that she called a therapist to urgently come see me before I leave. That’s how my first session began…

We went to a quiet place in the office and she literally watched me cry for about 20 minutes; very strange encounter for me. I managed to stop the tears enough for me to say “Hi”. Then she introduced herself and started asking me questions… Shit I hate!

If the first session was anything to go by, I was not going back to that woman. I couldn’t comprehend how that was going to work. I come into a room, cry and then still get asked questions, but thanks to my friends and family who urged me to go to my second one.

I continued meeting with her and it got better, in fact, I looked forward to going to the sessions because I came out with a different perspective and feeling lighter on some days. I highly recommend therapy to everyone for any situation.

One of the things she taught me were the 5 stages of grief and how to deal with a panic attack (I still don’t know how to handle it when it comes). The stages are as follows and I will share how I experienced them in the order they happened:  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

1.    Bargaining:

It takes me around 45 minutes, with normal traffic to get home. When I drove home to my boyfriend it was around 4pm and traffic was steady or maybe I was driving like a maniac beause it took less that 30 minutes to get to him.  

I don’t remember much about the drive but I kept stopping myself from crying because the tears where blocking my sight. Never have I prayed like I did that time. I bargained with God to put barriers to his plans and delay him somehow. I even asked God to stop time from moving so nothing happens.

My boyfriend has never mentioned suicide and although he showed the signs of depression, he never showed signs of suicide. So as I’m driving I’m asking myself if he’s bluffing or if he’s really going to do it.

2.    Anger:

I was the first person to arrive at the scene and I saw his lifeless body laying there. I was alone with his body for about 15 -20 minutes as the paramedics roamed around and everyone I informed was making their way. I can’t explain what was going through my mind. I was so angry at God for allowing this to happen.

I questioned His sovereignty because He is supposed to know everything that’s going to happen and He’s got the power to stop anything, but He didn’t.  I experienced anger for a while as I didn’t understand why the fuck my boyfriend had to go like this. Why would a God who loves me let me go through this and most importantly, why would Keabetswe leave me to explain his actions that are also unknown to me.  

The anger doesn’t go away. Some days you wake up so angry that you cant even cry. I’m forever thankful to those around me who are patient with me as I go through my healing. The most difficult thing is to try an empathize with someone when you’ve never gone through what they are going through.

3.    Denial

The week leading to his burial was the most stressful part as people are expecting you to provide them with answers you are asking the questions to yourself. Everyone is just dealing with the issue and trying to get through each day. So much happens you don’t even have time to comprehend the reality of the loss.

I went to my boyfriend’s house after 2 days; when I had gathered the strength to face the scrunity of those who didn’t know the story. The first thing his mother said when she saw me was “Askies”. Never has one word soothed me so much. When a time like this happens, you seek validation from those close to you because the world is ready to rip you apart. She held me and told me she loves me and I know she meant it that’s why my heart received it. It still hadnt sunk in that he is gone forever.

Only after all is done and everyone else is continuing with their lives you realise that this person is gone. You are faced with an empty, new normal. That’s when the denial came in for me. I couldn’t believe any of this. I spoke about him in the present and still included him in my plans. I kept calling him even though his phone was off. I went to his mom’s house everyday after work and all we did was cry. Every single day! It was our own little routine. I come in and we sit down and cry. We both convince ourselves that he is not gone and will come knocking.

Going there gave me a glimmer of hope that I will find him there and his mother always said everytime she sees me, it gives her hope that his son is also coming. Grief loves company…

4.    Depression

Do you want to guess what this was all about? You are right!

Every worst thing that you can imagine happens in this stage.

The week leading to his burial, I lost 6 kgs because I wasn’t eating. And everything else that was happening weighed me so down I couldn’t get up from my bed. Everyone forced me to eat and nothing went down.

Bathing feels like a huge task that you don’t even want to bother. Nothing matters anymore. I have never drunk like I have in the 2 months after his death, to a point that I would finish a bottle of gin on my own. I did it at home with friends so at least there was a still a need to maintain some dignity. I was too afraid to try and kill myself but I just needed to sleep and not wake up. It all becomes a lot that you are tired of living. It is a complex exercise to participate in the everyday demands of life. As If living was a task, my job became so hectic I couldn’t even breathe. In hindsight, I am glad work was hectic because it served as a disctraction and made me focus what was left of my energy to something other than my sorrows.

Everyday it still a battle to fight off depression, literally one day at a time. I am on panic pills that get me so drowsy, I don't know how get through the days sometimes. 

5.    Acceptance:

No Comment…  

21st September 2016... The Day My Life Changed Forever

21^st September 2016… The day my life changed forever!

Wednesdays are the busiest days of my week as the mornings are filled with meetings and the afternoon is trying to cramp the whole day’s work in 4 hours, still keeping a cool head.

This day was no different until around 3pm when I got a text that shook my insides, I felt like I'm being ripped apart. “I will be dead by the time you get here”. I was in a client meeting and I lifted my already heavy eyes from my phone and I excused myself from the meeting to go make a call.

My boyfriend and I had been together for 3 years on the 1^st September. We’ve known each other for a long time but we only started speaking in July 2013 when I took the bus to my new job for the first time and it was the bus he took to work.

I had totally forgot his name and was surprised to see him after so long… The last time before that, I saw him was in 2011 when I went with friends to go wash their car in the hood and I bumped into him. It was actually the first time we spoke and he insisted that he took my numbers, which he didn’t because people generally call when they take people’s numbers, right?

For 2 years we took the same bus to and from work and we sat together everyday. Yes, we saw each other everyday!

I had never loved someone like I’ve ever loved this man and I’ve never been loved like I have been loved. He taught me patience and being put first. He chose me and was intentional about it. Those were the best 3 years of my life and I could relive them again If I was granted that opportunity.

21^st September 2016…

The day my forever was gone.

The day every good thing I knew about love and God’s love ceased to exist. The day I felt the world crumble and left me shattered into small little pieces.

The day my boyfriend took his life and my heart with him.

The day I saw my boyfriend lifeless on the ground

The day all fell down

The day I loved and I lost…

Before that Wednesday, the last I saw him was the Monday and had I been chatting to and calling him throughout. On that Wednesday, we spoke in the mornind and that was it...Until that text!

We all know people die but never in a million years do you think the man you love and have given your all to will leave you so sudden and with so many unanswered questions. The last memory I have is him lying on the ground dirty and lifeless. My Keoratile, my person.

Love isnt suppoed to hurt, right? Well… This love broke even the parts of myself I never knew existed. This love put me in scrutiny of those who will never know the truth, yet will always have something to say.  This love brought me to my knees and got me asking God to also take me so I don’t experience such excrutiating pain. This love broke me to a point of near depression and to a point where I don’t know who am I.

This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever written because I keep re-reading it and it sounds like an extract from a well-written fiction. This is my life and this has been my reality…

I still don’t know how I live after this, I don’t know how I have not dropped on the floor and not ever wake up. I don’t know how I survive every panic attack and still try and look presentable. My own strength shocks me and I don’t know if that’s a good thing.

6 months later and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about him. And every thought comes with either a laugh or a cry, both leaving me with a heavy heart. Most times I don’t believe he’s gone and everytime I visit his grave and im met with that block where they put people’s details, It feels like I’m reading his resume.

“Keo rata ka pelo yaka kaofela, baby” – Those were the last words he uttered on the phone as we were both crying in between me pleading him to rethink his decision and wait for me to come so we can talk.

Before you even come and say he was selfish, please do not.

He was not selfish. He chose himself and that’s okay… that rationale keeps me going because I’m a firm believer that people must always choose themselves, but not to such extremities.

Suicide is the only way a depressed person has power over what’s happening around them. They are so convinced that they have no control over anything else except their lives, hence they take it. Don’t believe my theory, I’m just a girl who likes pictures and believes in love J

“I never meant to cause you any sorrow. I never meant to cause you any pain” – On my worst days, I play Purple Rain and imagine him saying those words to me because in the heart of my hearts, I refuse to believe he meant to hurt me.

I am still recovering and I am trying to do this life thing. Some days I feel like not showing up and others I put on my Diana Ross and come out.

21^st September 2016… I will not forget this day!