A few days after his burial I began therapy. I’ve never believed in
therapy because it never made sense how one heals by talking to someone and
repeating the same thing over and over again.
I was at work when I
experienced my first panic attack and it was so difficult. It was more
sad seeing my collegues helpless and not knowing what to do. I was traveling to
Cape Town for work the next day and my boss got such a fright that she called a
therapist to urgently come see me before I leave. That’s how my first session
began…
We went to a quiet place in the office and she literally watched me
cry for about 20 minutes; very strange encounter for me. I managed to stop the
tears enough for me to say “Hi”. Then she introduced herself and started asking
me questions… Shit I hate!
If the first session was anything to go by, I was not going back to
that woman. I couldn’t comprehend how that was going to work. I come into a
room, cry and then still get asked questions, but thanks to my friends and
family who urged me to go to my second one.
I continued meeting with her and it got better, in fact, I looked
forward to going to the sessions because I came out with a different
perspective and feeling lighter on some days. I highly recommend therapy to
everyone for any situation.
One of the things she taught me were the 5 stages of grief and how
to deal with a panic attack (I still don’t know how to handle it when it
comes). The stages are as follows and I will share how I experienced them in
the order they happened: Denial, anger,
bargaining, depression and acceptance.
1.
Bargaining:
It takes me around 45 minutes, with normal traffic to get home.
When I drove home to my boyfriend it was around 4pm and traffic was steady or
maybe I was driving like a maniac beause it took less that 30 minutes to get to
him.
I don’t remember much about the drive but I kept stopping myself
from crying because the tears where blocking my sight. Never have I prayed like
I did that time. I bargained with God to put barriers to his plans and delay
him somehow. I even asked God to stop time from moving so nothing happens.
My boyfriend has never mentioned suicide and although he showed the
signs of depression, he never showed signs of suicide. So as I’m driving I’m
asking myself if he’s bluffing or if he’s really going to do it.
2.
Anger:
I was the first person to arrive at the scene and I saw his
lifeless body laying there. I was alone with his body for about 15 -20 minutes
as the paramedics roamed around and everyone I informed was making their way. I
can’t explain what was going through my mind. I was so angry at God for
allowing this to happen.
I questioned His sovereignty because He is supposed to know
everything that’s going to happen and He’s got the power to stop anything, but
He didn’t. I experienced anger for a
while as I didn’t understand why the fuck my boyfriend had to go like this. Why
would a God who loves me let me go through this and most importantly, why would
Keabetswe leave me to explain his actions that are also unknown to me.
The anger doesn’t go away. Some days you wake up so angry that you
cant even cry. I’m forever thankful to those around me who are patient with me
as I go through my healing. The most difficult thing is to try an empathize
with someone when you’ve never gone through what they are going through.
3.
Denial
The week leading to his burial was the most stressful part as
people are expecting you to provide them with answers you are asking the
questions to yourself. Everyone is just dealing with the issue and trying to
get through each day. So much happens you don’t even have time to comprehend
the reality of the loss.
I went to my boyfriend’s house after 2 days; when I had gathered
the strength to face the scrunity of those who didn’t know the story. The first
thing his mother said when she saw me was “Askies”. Never has one word soothed
me so much. When a time like this happens, you seek validation from those close
to you because the world is ready to rip you apart. She held me and told me she
loves me and I know she meant it that’s why my heart received it. It still
hadnt sunk in that he is gone forever.
Only after all is done and everyone else is continuing with their
lives you realise that this person is gone. You are faced with an empty, new
normal. That’s when the denial came in for me. I couldn’t believe any of this.
I spoke about him in the present and still included him in my plans. I kept
calling him even though his phone was off. I went to his mom’s house everyday
after work and all we did was cry. Every single day! It was our own little
routine. I come in and we sit down and cry. We both convince ourselves that he
is not gone and will come knocking.
Going there gave me a glimmer of hope that I will find him there
and his mother always said everytime she sees me, it gives her hope that his
son is also coming. Grief loves company…
4.
Depression
Do you want to guess what this was all about? You are right!
Every worst thing that you can imagine happens in this stage.
The week leading to his burial, I lost 6 kgs because I wasn’t
eating. And everything else that was happening weighed me so down I couldn’t
get up from my bed. Everyone forced me to eat and nothing went down.
Bathing feels like a huge task that you don’t even want to bother.
Nothing matters anymore. I have never drunk like I have in the 2 months after
his death, to a point that I would finish a bottle of gin on my own. I did it at
home with friends so at least there was a still a need to maintain some dignity.
I was too afraid to try and kill myself but I just needed to sleep and not wake
up. It all becomes a lot that you are tired of living. It is a complex exercise
to participate in the everyday demands of life. As If living was a task, my job
became so hectic I couldn’t even breathe. In hindsight, I am glad work was
hectic because it served as a disctraction and made me focus what was left of
my energy to something other than my sorrows.
Everyday it still a battle to fight off depression, literally one
day at a time. I am on panic pills that get me so drowsy, I don't know how get through the days sometimes.
5.
Acceptance:
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