21st September 2016... The Day My Life Changed Forever

21^st September 2016… The day my life changed forever!

Wednesdays are the busiest days of my week as the mornings are filled with meetings and the afternoon is trying to cramp the whole day’s work in 4 hours, still keeping a cool head.

This day was no different until around 3pm when I got a text that shook my insides, I felt like I'm being ripped apart. “I will be dead by the time you get here”. I was in a client meeting and I lifted my already heavy eyes from my phone and I excused myself from the meeting to go make a call.

My boyfriend and I had been together for 3 years on the 1^st September. We’ve known each other for a long time but we only started speaking in July 2013 when I took the bus to my new job for the first time and it was the bus he took to work.

I had totally forgot his name and was surprised to see him after so long… The last time before that, I saw him was in 2011 when I went with friends to go wash their car in the hood and I bumped into him. It was actually the first time we spoke and he insisted that he took my numbers, which he didn’t because people generally call when they take people’s numbers, right?

For 2 years we took the same bus to and from work and we sat together everyday. Yes, we saw each other everyday!

I had never loved someone like I’ve ever loved this man and I’ve never been loved like I have been loved. He taught me patience and being put first. He chose me and was intentional about it. Those were the best 3 years of my life and I could relive them again If I was granted that opportunity.

21^st September 2016…

The day my forever was gone.

The day every good thing I knew about love and God’s love ceased to exist. The day I felt the world crumble and left me shattered into small little pieces.

The day my boyfriend took his life and my heart with him.

The day I saw my boyfriend lifeless on the ground

The day all fell down

The day I loved and I lost…

Before that Wednesday, the last I saw him was the Monday and had I been chatting to and calling him throughout. On that Wednesday, we spoke in the mornind and that was it...Until that text!

We all know people die but never in a million years do you think the man you love and have given your all to will leave you so sudden and with so many unanswered questions. The last memory I have is him lying on the ground dirty and lifeless. My Keoratile, my person.

Love isnt suppoed to hurt, right? Well… This love broke even the parts of myself I never knew existed. This love put me in scrutiny of those who will never know the truth, yet will always have something to say.  This love brought me to my knees and got me asking God to also take me so I don’t experience such excrutiating pain. This love broke me to a point of near depression and to a point where I don’t know who am I.

This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever written because I keep re-reading it and it sounds like an extract from a well-written fiction. This is my life and this has been my reality…

I still don’t know how I live after this, I don’t know how I have not dropped on the floor and not ever wake up. I don’t know how I survive every panic attack and still try and look presentable. My own strength shocks me and I don’t know if that’s a good thing.

6 months later and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about him. And every thought comes with either a laugh or a cry, both leaving me with a heavy heart. Most times I don’t believe he’s gone and everytime I visit his grave and im met with that block where they put people’s details, It feels like I’m reading his resume.

“Keo rata ka pelo yaka kaofela, baby” – Those were the last words he uttered on the phone as we were both crying in between me pleading him to rethink his decision and wait for me to come so we can talk.

Before you even come and say he was selfish, please do not.

He was not selfish. He chose himself and that’s okay… that rationale keeps me going because I’m a firm believer that people must always choose themselves, but not to such extremities.

Suicide is the only way a depressed person has power over what’s happening around them. They are so convinced that they have no control over anything else except their lives, hence they take it. Don’t believe my theory, I’m just a girl who likes pictures and believes in love J

“I never meant to cause you any sorrow. I never meant to cause you any pain” – On my worst days, I play Purple Rain and imagine him saying those words to me because in the heart of my hearts, I refuse to believe he meant to hurt me.

I am still recovering and I am trying to do this life thing. Some days I feel like not showing up and others I put on my Diana Ross and come out.

21^st September 2016… I will not forget this day!