NOTE TO MY YOUNGER SELF

I am coming to my own and i'm learning a few things about myself, some worth working on majorly. I owe it to you to share and impart these lessons so that you don’t have to go through them and hopefully, be easier for you to handle them. Of lately, I am confronted with the damage and a disadvantage of having an absent father and this is quite a mountain to deal with, emotionally draining too. I harshly learnt that an absent father is way deeper than an half empty family tree, because when I was a child that was my only major struggle. Having to ask around for my paternal side of the family because at some point it made sense that my grandfather is not my father. As you get older, you are confronted with issues that require you to have a father by your side and it’s not always about provision, but a lot to do with affirmation; that whatever you do is enough. I have learnt to do without a lot of things, not because I didn’t need them, but circumstances never allowed me to have them. The need to fulfil the desires of my heart was always met by lack, and I would sometimes believe that daddy would always make a plan, that’s what fathers are supposed to do, right?

What I want to let you know is that my settling into not having things I wanted has caused a lot of problems, but I will just highlight a few. One of them was never allowing myself to entertain the desires I had because knowing that I will get them fulfilled. It could something as small as desiring a doll house or a pair of sneakers. I never wanted to burden my mother because I’ve seen her already doing the best that she could. The second and the sole reason this note was brought about is that settling into lack or not enough has created a culture within me of not asking for help. I have learnt from a young age to be self-sufficient and do things myself, when I have no idea, I would literally work it until I got it right. I’ve always been very good at justifying people’s actions, so my excuse to not ask for help was that I don’t want to nag and make people go out of their way just to make me happy. For some strange and sad reason, I never found myself worthy of someone’s effort.

A problem then comes when there’s a guy involved. His presence in my life was rendered obsolete when the very things that he is about, were not welcoming him. I just want to warn you about that; never deny someone the room to be himself because you want to prove that you too can be...if you don’t have, ask. If you need, do tell because trust me, someone else is willing to help and GET THIS: YOU ARE WORTH IT. You’re worth someone going the extra mile to cater to your needs. You are worth someone making you a priority in their lives. You are all worth it.

Now I’m not big on relationships but I have learnt a thing or 2 from my past ‘setups’ and I would like to share with you. It won’t be easy to suddenly move your hands from the driver’s seat and let someone take the wheel and direct, because firstly, you’ve had to have your own back that you needed to know the directions that will lead to your final destination. It’s also going to be a struggle to let someone into your life and see them doing what seems to you like they are paralyzing you. To them, they thrive on giving you a break and really take care of you; no reservations. Like I said, I am sharing all of this with you to help ease the self confrontation and also helping you to pack light in your journey, because, trust me, you DO NOT need unnecessary matters that could be solved. I wish you a backpack full of lessons and glass full of laughter as you pave through this journey of life trying to find yourself and settling into your becoming. Just know this, all that you are and all that you are becoming, I celebrate you.